speak to me

A couple months ago, I enjoyed Regina Spektor and a Fine Frenzy. I enjoy their whimsical lines, slightly  sad, yet hope filled melodies, and especially the quality of the singers. But I never was able to relate their songs to life until now. A couple months ago, I thought differently.

I feel like I read things differently now too. Not only do I feel the lyrics of a song (samson, near to you, etc…), but every written word hits me differently. Fiction, non-fiction, the Bible, or blogs, I don’t just read it – I feel it. Perhaps this is because I am a writer myself, but I feel more connected to the writings of others now more than ever.

The world is huge. There is no way I can experience and immerse myself into every area in one lifetime…but yet, I find myself emotionally tied to a story or photo from anywhere. So, I have decided to pray for one country every day of the year…there are almost 200 official countries and dozens of territories and disputed areas.

These are children of Afghanistan – aren’t they beautiful? Its the 2nd least developed country suffering from a literacy rate of 35%, lack of education and health care, and difficult geography to navigate. Thankfully, people like Greg Mortensen are committed to building schools in the region especially for girls. (The author of Three Cups of Tea originally started building in Pakistan). But Afghanistan is also a country with a long history, a strong culture, and a proud people.

خلک په دې هيله = there is hope (in Pashto)

What I actually meant to talk about was how much I love languages and being able to communicate with people…but I’ll save that for another day.

माफ़ कीजिये

lead me out of the dust
my eyes cannot see
blessings poured from above
yet you’re waiting on me
just to write the final
chapter so you can breathe

but there is no answer
when my heart has doubt
thats not my answer
i don’t want to do without      you

i walk out of the dust
my feet begin to strain
blindly following faith
yet still causing pain
upon you, forever, upon me
and yet something still remains

the book

If it was not for the last 5 minutes, the Book of Eli would have been a mediocre movie.
Movies never make me cry; but in light of my recent journey to Jordan and journey in faith, the final scenes really moved me. I shouldn’t need inspiration to become closer to God, but this definetly inspired me to dig into His word.

Ironically, the January 30th devo from My Utmost for His Highest further comforted me. One thing I have always struggled with is hearing God’s direction – where should I go, and is that voice I hear really from Him? Why should I listen to directions that would only cause another pain? I would gladly take on the pain of all those I care about to keep them from suffering…maybe that is why I chose to be a nurse, and why I cared so deeply for the people in India dying in Kalighat. So why should I choose to follow a voice that seemed illogical and painful? Because obediance is not always painless, thats why.

Though going back and reading my journals of 6th grade may be embarrassing, I recently found some of my 10th grade essays. Suprisingly, they are focused on things I am still passionate about today… hindsight is always 20/20.

“Now you’ve got my feet on the life path,
all radiant from the shining of your face.
Ever since you took my hand,
I’m on the right way.” (p16:11)

the long road home

and i mean long.

18 hours of travel time, none of those include sleep for me. they actually included…

waiting for 30 minutes at the counter because there were no seats left

because we stopped in boston for no reason

laying on the floor to sleep, some how ending up under seats 3 rows ahead of mine

somehow rolling into the aisle and getting yelled at by the flight attendant

reading the ewi card and looking at pictures

catching the first breath of freezing minnesota air

met with friends back home

and have since not left the warmth of my house. i become someone of a recluse for a couple days. : S

sorry for the lame post, i’ll write something quality when i’m actually awake

anything you can do…

Before last night, I had a slightly pessimistic view of the adult world. Being the indecisive person I am, I found it very difficult to choose a major in school, and still have many dreams that are different than my areas of study. I am a nursing major – but what about my creative side (please do not mention “the art of nursing”, that is not what I mean . Minnesota may be my home, but what of my love for the world.  I want to hide behind a lens, while bringing out the best of others through it; touch others with my songs, and offer them words of truth in a world twisted with lies.

The “real world” says one must stick to one area of study, one path in life to be a complete success. Last night proved me wrong. Our EWI friends and Bethel group went to dinner at the house of ***. Her accomplishments are too long to describe, so I will just list them: one founder of EWI, PhD. in women’s studies, Center for Relational Leadership coordinator, revives native handicrafts in Bahrain, Lawyer, mother of #? children, owns an amazing lighting company…. pretty sure I am missing a bunch more.  She is an inspiration of leadership, change, and courage. When others told her not to go for something, she went for it anyway. Though law is unrelated to decorative lighting and handicrafts, who says she can’t do it? Because of her confidence and energy, she is making change in all areas of society.

Not to mention her house is an enormous stucco mansion with 3 stories, fiber optic star-cielings, and palm trees lining the courtyard

Yesterday we visited Mt. Nebo, where Moses looked out over the promised land – this was a little chilly, but a good day. Stood on a small mountain, saw some mosaics, and got in a small fender bender! It was a bit funny to watch the conflict – anyone in the US would be out of their cars freaking out, swearing, or calling the police because the fender was scratched or dented. Here, the two drivers calmly shook hands with a smile, and settled the dispute calmly (at least, the part I saw!)

One reason I do not enjoy being part of a big group is that I can be seen – I feel intrusive and obtuse in a culture where I just want to watch like a local. A backpacking group of 10 white Americans doesn’t exactly make the quietest entrance. I felt this today at the baptism site of Jesus.  A place supposedly special and holy has been turned into a hub for profit – tourist shops every five feet selling ‘holy water’ and freaky pictures of a white Jesus with a pained expression. The actual baptism site today was occupied by Coptic and Orthodox groups celebrating Epiphany; though they are apparently part of Christianity, I felt as far from Christ at that place than I have anywhere. There was no relationship in the rituals.

Anyway, there are only a few more days here; after floating and exfoliating in the Dead Sea, doing a little shopping, and trying Sahlab, I really must start my paper. Sometimes I forget this is a class. Real learning is living my friends.

how vast is your love, as high as the mountains

If you happen to pass through Wadi Rum, a desert in southern Jordan, you will experience three things. One sentence descriptors will not suffice. So, I will divide all three, so it doesn’t completely blow your mind.

Desert Scenery
Day = hot, hot, hot. Night = cold, cold, cold. like 30F. please bring a blanket. 
Yet, the heat of the day goes unnoticed when standing at the base of the massive rock formations. Vibrant orange, dusky brown, and light beige rocks loom over head, daring anyone to find a path to the top. The sand is blown into smooth lines from the wind, and the occasional tree or scrub provides food for Bedouin camels.
30F is cold, yes, but the discomfort is nothing while sleeping under the open sky. Every star is visible, the Milky Way and Orions belt shine clearly in the vast expanse free of light pollution. It is in these moments, beside the rocks and under the stars that I realize how small I truely am. Climbing the rocks alone, where no one could hear if you fell, or climbing the rocks with your friends, who are there to catch you if you fall – you will appreciate the large and small in Wadi.

Great Company
You will, no doubt, meet with the local Bedouin, desert dwellers for hundreds of years. Their culture has progressed with the times; many now drive trucks, carry cell phones, and wear at least partial-western dress. Yet, their demeanor has not been permeated by western ideals. Hot tea, an amazing lamb barbeque (cooked underground), traditional music, and the traditional ‘debka’ dance await you in Wadi Rum. True kindness comes from those with a pure heart.

Nothing beats a frozen night without sleep than a morning filled with football (soccer) and volleyball beneath the mountains. You realize how lucky you are to have the opportunity to cross cultures, to see the kindness and love of people from different faiths, and to realize how truly alike we all are.

Freedom

Whether you are standing atop a (rock? mountain?), drinking tea over a campfire, or shivering under the stars, you will feel free. Not just unbound by time and circumstance, not only freed from responsibility and obligation, but Freedom. This freedom, I have only found in God. His glory is all around, from people to creation, conversation to actions. Yes, God is just, but he is also Mercy, he is in control, but he is gently Guiding. He is not a lightning bolt in the sky – he wants a relationship – and in relationships there is one thing above all. LOVE. There is freedom in his love. Don’t turn away – there is nothing to fear from God.

crazy ideas are the only ones that work

Many of you thought it was a crazy idea, me going to Jordan. Well, according to a very successful entrapenuer in Jordan, crazy ideas are the only ones that work. My heart and my mind are being stretched, my beliefs are being affirmed as well as challenged, and my body is being stuffed full of delicious hummus, falafel, and shawerma. We  have heard from five speakers over the past three days, and each has been a challenge on an intellectual and spiritual level.

I will send (to those who wish to see it) an article I sent off to a few magazines to publish about a pastor, who leads the only Jesus-following church in the Gaza Strip. We also spoke to another who coordinates aid for Palestinian and Iraqi refugees in the camps surrounding Amman, as well as providing a free medical clinic for those families as well.

In the education sector, Dr. Nasi Hamdi has been a pioneering researcher in counseling psychology. Jordan, as well as much of the Middle East is a culture built around honor and ’saving face’. Because of this dynamic, there were only 3…yes three psychologists in all of Jordan in the late 70’s / early 80’s. Now there are hundreds and counseling psych degrees offered at the BA, MA, and PhD level. Counselors are being taught to integrate spirituality; Islam, as well as Christianity believes that we are holistic beings created in the image of God – therefore we cannot treat only the mind, body, or spirit alone, but must bring them all together. This type of leadership training is spreading throughout Jordan and the Middle East.

Like I said before, I believe music is a bridge between heaven and earth. Two western-educated, forward-thinking businessmen, Hatem and Shakur have stepped out of the tradition-steeped mold of Jordan. Because the country has tribal roots, no oil, no water, and virtually no natural resources, Jordan has basically created itself out of the dust. ‘A place is only as good as its people,’ said Shakur. Jordan is the medical and educational hub of the Middle East; the previous King Hussein and current King Abdullah have worked innovation into Jordanian society by promoting change and relationships with the world. Hatem and Shakur believe everyone is capable of this: by empowering people at grassroots levels, we are capable of anything – unstoppable.

The group and I continue to build amazing relationships with our East West Initiatives friends. I have learned so much about myself and my own faith, Islam and my friends beliefs, how to relate to another culture, as well as another deeper way to love. ‘We were created for greater things…to love and be loved…’ (Mother Theresa) I said Jordan took my hand; this remains true, but it has also caused me to search my own heart and desire to see change in the hearts of others. We have common ground – please seek to find it. Believe what you know in your heart to be true, but do not pass judgement, do not assume what you have not experienced, and above all, love.

A side note of activities includes

more coffee and tea

exploring/shopping in east Amman

multiple expat conversations

sitting in traffic

ran once…no time otherwise, must sleep!

soccer game w. EWI!…sooo sore.
(but apparently my skills greatly improve overseas, kayla you would be proud!)

ancient ruins, ruined lives

Asalaam Awaleykum!

Peace be upon you my friends, and upon all those living in times of conflict who can only dream of peace.  The past few days have been an interesting mix of touring, learning, and enlightening conversation with our  new Jordanian friends. Our partner group here, EastWest Initiatives, brings students from the Western world into relationship with young adults from the Middle East. If not for these caring, fun, yet deeply wise and touching Jordanian students, our experience here would be greatly diminished. We are a group of men and women, Muslims and Christians, Arabs and Americans – yet we are all human beings, and have so much more in common than an outsider would think.

The other night we went bowling at the Mecca Mall! Though I knew Amman was modern, I did not know to what scale. Yes they have Starbucks, McDonalds, KFC, Dunkin Donuts, and even Tony Romas (like in the Mall of America). Shiny new Rainbow street and the squeaky clean streets of West Amman would make a comfortable home for any family. Yet, our time together has been best spent at shawerma shops and nargileh joints (hooka, shisha, hubbly bubbly water pipe – however you would like to describe them). There is nothing that compares to sitting for hours in a cafe – with either a swanky new or ancient vibe and trying to blow smoke rings between meaningful conversations about God, love, and the Israel – Palestine conflict. Yes, those  outside the I-P area are deeply effected – 60% of Jordanians are actually  natives of Palestine.

One of the EWI participants, explained it this way, “We here in Jordan thank God every day we are safe here, al – hamdulillah, but we want our brothers and sisters to be happy as well.” He went on to explain that trials in our lives can make us weak, or strengthen our  faith in God – which he has done in his own life. When I asked what he thought is more important, faith or actions, he replied thus, “You know, I cannot separate the two. They are both so important if we are to obey – if I have faith in God, then my actions should follow. That way, I can show people on the outside my faith on the inside” Sound familiar? Yes, he is a Muslim, a forward-thinking young man living in Amman. Yet if I were asked the same question as a Christian, I would reply the same way.

Misunderstanding and lack of knowledge leads to fear, and fear is the greatest cause of hatred. So many people in the West, especially in America (ahem…) react negatively toward the Middle East, listening only to what the media focuses on. Americans hear about the 1% of radical Islamists involved in the war. The other 99% are peace loving people who simply want to live their lives, and have so much in common with Christians! After all, we are both made in the image of God, we should and must love each other if there is ever to be peace.

So I went on that rant and meant to tell you what we have been doing. I’ll list it instead

2 lectures

sleep

eat

went bowling

nargileh

ajloun castle ruins

marriage proposal …good story

nargileh

jerash city ruins

eat

sleep

We have a week of lectures (exciting ones!) coming up. Its late here, peace.

amman.

It is said that music is a bridge between heaven and earth.

Though the song of the imam does not call for me, I feel caught between the two places. It rings clear through the city of Amman, where the green lights lead the way to mosques at night, and the verses of the Qu’ran are chanted five times a day. While the early morning highlights the ivory colored buildings, sunset bathes the city in a beautiful warm glow.

Amman is the capital of Jordan. Many have never heard of this small country; Jordan is well known for it’s biblical and archeological sights, but infamous for its position between the high-tension countries of the Middle East – Syria, Saudi Arabia, Israel, and Iraq. Despite this dangerous position, Jordan is known as one of the most peaceful and change-minded countries in the region. With over 60% of its population originally from Palestine and a growing Iraqi refugee population, Jordan is a mixed bag of Arab people and cultures. With innovative, future-focused policies and West-friendly relations, King Abdullah has tackled everything from the 3.4% /year population growth, to the 15% unemployment rate, to improving Jordan’s position as the 10th most water-impoverished country in the world. Despite those dreary numbers, Jordan is just as affluent as it’s surrounding neighbors. Great change is happening here – socially, environmentally, economically, and religiously (Jordan is a secular country with freedom of religion for all). We will all be a part of that change someday; that is what I am here to study.

India took my heart by force, wrenching my emotions to the extreme. Part of my heart is still there, waiting. Yet, Jordan has me curious in a different way. Its people are friendly but not in-your-face, kind to point the way but without asking for a tip, open about their God, but listen to others beliefs with respect. Though India stole my heart, Jordan has taken my hand.  I am about to be led on a journey (albeit, short) different than ever before.

the story

once there was a girl who was traveling the world.
she heard many words, saw many sights, and did many things.
throughout her journey, she grew confused.
how could the people so destitute
and be so inherently joyful
while we are so blessed
and so dissatisfied?

her heart cried out to the people
every day she helped them
pushing herself to the limits out of
guilt
fear
pain
sacrifice
love.

one day, her journey near the end, she got lost.
she ran back and forth, up and down the streets
it grew dark, and the eyes of those she helped were on her.
after a time, she sat down in frustration.
helpless.

a tear rolled down her cheek
not for herself, not for the end of her journey
but all those who she did not and could not help.
as she remembered a friend who died on the journey
a child drew near.

‘why do you weep’   the child asked
‘ you go now’ as he pointed her home
‘ you will come back’ he spoke as her heart broke

she returned home across the sea
her heart was burdened never quite free

bless them she prayed, let them get through
know my tender heart, weeps now for you